Lesson 19een: This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.-Homer Simpson

The greatest fictional character that Man ever created, apart of jesus of course.

• All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer
• America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
• Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
• Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
• Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!
• Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• Here's to alcohol: The source of-and answer to-all of life's problems.
• I hope I didn't brain my damage.
• I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.
• If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
• Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
• Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
• No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.
• No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thats the American way.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
• OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
• Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
• They have the Internet on computers, now?
• In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
  
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
  
• Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• Homer no function beer well without.
  
• All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
• 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
• When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
• Save me, Jeebus
• No beer and no TV make Homer go something something
• “What!? are you going to release the dogs? or the bees? or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you!?”
• Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.
• Does this make me look fat?
• We're going out Marge. If we dont come back avenge our death.
• Marge, I swear I never thought that you would find out.
• I discover a meal between breakfast and brunch.
• In America, first you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then you get the women.
  

...and of course the mother of all quotes---> D'oh!

Lesson 15een: Rant in E Minor.

Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy twelve years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I'm kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves:

1."I was over in Australia during easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night.

Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there?

Where do you get this shit from you know? Why those two things you know? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’ you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild you know. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous conotation to it.

'Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!'.


'That's the story of Jesus'.

Who comes up with this shit?! I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book".


2. And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn’t that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retalliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missiles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm … I think that’s a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here’s how we should have done it: We should have assassinated Bush ourselves. “There, that’s how you do it, tow*l heads. Don’t fuck with us.” And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life.

3. I had this feeling, man, cause you know there's a handful of people actually run everything. Thats true, its provable, its not a fuckin-not a conspiracy nut. Its provable. Handful, very small elite runnin all this corporation including mainstream media..I had this feeling whoever was elected president, like Clinton was, not matter what you promise at the your campaign,bla bla bla..when you win, you go into this smokey room with the 12 industrialist,capitalist scumfucks who got you in there. Well you're in this smokey room, and this film screen come down and a big guy with a cigar"Roll the film." And its a shot of the Kennedy assasination from an angle you've never seen before. And the film screen goes up and they go to the new president

"Any question?"

"Er..just what my agenda is."

"First we bomb Baghdad."

"You got it."

4. I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatchu readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress."

...I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

William Melvin "Bill" Hicks (December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994)