Lesson 15een: Rant in E Minor.

Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy twelve years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I'm kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves:

1."I was over in Australia during easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night.

Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there?

Where do you get this shit from you know? Why those two things you know? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’ you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild you know. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous conotation to it.

'Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!'.


'That's the story of Jesus'.

Who comes up with this shit?! I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book".


2. And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn’t that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retalliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missiles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm … I think that’s a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here’s how we should have done it: We should have assassinated Bush ourselves. “There, that’s how you do it, tow*l heads. Don’t fuck with us.” And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life.

3. I had this feeling, man, cause you know there's a handful of people actually run everything. Thats true, its provable, its not a fuckin-not a conspiracy nut. Its provable. Handful, very small elite runnin all this corporation including mainstream media..I had this feeling whoever was elected president, like Clinton was, not matter what you promise at the your campaign,bla bla bla..when you win, you go into this smokey room with the 12 industrialist,capitalist scumfucks who got you in there. Well you're in this smokey room, and this film screen come down and a big guy with a cigar"Roll the film." And its a shot of the Kennedy assasination from an angle you've never seen before. And the film screen goes up and they go to the new president

"Any question?"

"Er..just what my agenda is."

"First we bomb Baghdad."

"You got it."

4. I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatchu readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress."

...I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

William Melvin "Bill" Hicks (December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994)